I saw a post on LinkedIn that tossed about the term “toxic masculinity,” and it got me to thinking.
First, what is toxic masculinity? Verywell Mind says this about it:
Many definitions of toxic masculinity appear in research as well as pop culture. Toxic masculinity generally has three core ideas.
- “Toughness”: Men should be physically strong, emotionally callous, and behaviorally aggressive.
- Antifeminity: Men should reject traditionally feminine behaviors such as showing emotion and accepting help.
- Power: Men should work toward obtaining power and status (social and financial) and thus gain the respect of others.
A less authoritative source, theconversation.com, explains toxic masculinity this way: “The term ‘toxic masculinity’ points to a particular version of masculinity that is unhealthy for the men and boys who conform to it, and harmful for those around them. The phrase emphasises the worst aspects of stereotypically masculine attributes. Toxic masculinity is represented by qualities such as violence, dominance, emotional illiteracy, sexual entitlement, and hostility to femininity.”
So, where does one most frequenly find the most blatant examples of toxic masculinity?
(I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two don’t count.)
Romance.
That’s right. In the genre primarily written for women and by women, toxic masculinity accurately describes the vast majority of romantic heroes. Some of the genre’s most popular authors celebrate toxic masculinity, turning violent, domineering, womanizing “alphaholes” into objects of lustful fantasy.
The heroines for these males all too often tend to be their perfect complements: passive, helpless, hapless, submissive. It’s not a good look, but it sells and sells well.
If you’re reading a romance, regardless of sub-genre, pick up the book you’re reading and take a look at it. Which of the following may be applied to the hero?
- Extreme possessiveness
- Extreme jealousy
- Extreme protectiveness
- An adamant insistence on being obeyed and being right
- Promiscuity (before the heroine comes into his life, of course)
- Power (physical, financial, social, political)
- Violence.
I think women, in general, like these traits, just not taken to excess. A woman wants her man to be possessive of her, but not to the extent that she can’t have friends. She wants him to be jealous, thus reassuring her of her enduring appeal to him. She wants him to protect her against that which she cannot protect herself. She believes a man of commanding nature and certainty exemplifies his supreme, well-deserved confidence. His (former) promiscuity assures her that he’s skilled in bed and attractive to other women. His power means she need not fear penury or ostracization. His violence, she believes, will be exercised on her behalf and not against her.
We have all heard and seen toxic masculinity in action, particularly when the news breaks on yet another woman having been imprisoned, used, and abused by a man. In real life, excessive manifestation of these traits horrify us. These are not the men we bring home to meet the parents.
Romance glorifies that which we decry and makes it cater to our romantic fantasies. I think that, in a genre primarily written for women by women, it’s a cutting irony.
In romance we all love an alpha male, but how many of us would actually enjoy living with one?
Ironic, don’t you think?