Lately I read a couple of books that had truly laughable malapropisms.

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, a malapropism is “the usually unintentionally humorous misuse or distortion of a word or phrase especially : the use of a word sounding somewhat like the one intended but ludicrously wrong in the context.”

A common malapropism is “if you think [that], then you have another thing coming.” The correct idiom is if you think [that], then you have another think coming. Our minds automatically correct “think” to “thing” because think isn’t normally used as a noun. However, the idiom treats think as a noun and means that if you have a particular thought, idea, or assumption, then it’s incorrect and you should rethink or reconsider. Here’s an example: If you think I’m going to ride that horse, then you have another think coming.

In both of the unintentionally laughter-inducing malapropisms I encountered, the words were used correctly as far as grammar is concerned: one an adjective and the other a noun. Spell-check wouldn’t have caught either one because neither is misspelled. Editing software, assuming the authors used such software, didn’t catch errors because the words were used correctly according to the conventions of English grammar.

However, software does not understand nuance or context.

The first unintentionally humorous malapropism concerns the use of exuberant. Exuberant means “joyously unrestrained and enthusiastic.” Twice the author referred to “exuberant costs.” While cost increases may indeed be unrestrained, they’re not necessarily joyous or enthusiastic. What the author means was exorbitant, “exceeding the customary or appropriate limits in intensity, quality, amount, or size.”

The second one concerns the use of gesticulation, which means “an expressive gesture made in showing strong feeling or in enforcing an argument.” In the story, the protagonists, both biomedical researchers, discuss chimpanzees which have a—to use the correct word—period of gestation approximating human gestation. Gee, I really wouldn’t want to gesticulate for months on end.

Having an extensive vocabulary is good, but you should know what the words you use mean as well as how to use them effectively. An editor does more than correct misspelled words and correct grammar and punctuation errors. An editor make sure the words you used don’t have unintended consequences.

Every day I see posts from new writers asking basic questions about publishing, questions that range from “how to I write my book” to “where do I find a publisher?” There are no easy answers to any of their questions because all answers to their questions involve research.

The internet is responsible for a lot of good stuff. Information is available at our fingertips: we no longer have to trek across town to visit the local public library and pull out heavy reference tomes to painstakingly search for the information we need. It’s made us lazy.

Way back in the early 1980s when I really began to take my stories seriously enough to pursue publishing—this was before the internet—I made many such trips to the local library. I bought printed copies of The Writer’s Market and The LIterary Marketplace to discern what acquisition editors, literary agents, and publishing companies wanted and would accept. I invested in postage, paper, ink, envelopes, and boxes.

The point here isn’t to give you the “I walked uphill in the snow to school carrying my brother on my back—both ways!” story, but to illustrate that reality that no one was going to do the work for me. That work is easier now: it’s all at our fingertips. There’s no excuse for laziness.

To find a literary agent or publisher, you must still do your research. This may still mean going to the library and perusing at the book shelves. Find books in your genre or on your topic and see what companies published them. Jot that information down. Go home or use the library’s computer to visit those publishing companies’ websites. On each company’s website, find the submission guidelines. The information on that page should inform you as to whether the company still accepts material like yours, if they’re current accepting submissions, and how those submission should be made. If the publisher accepts submissions from authors, follow their guidelines to the letter. A refusal to follow instructions does you no favors here.

Submission guidelines usually include expectations, such as beginning with a query letter, perhaps a synopsis, and standard manuscript format. Nonfiction book publishers may also require book proposals. There’s both an art and a science to crafting those documents, and deviation from established standards will result in automatic rejection. To learn what’s expected in a query letter, a synopsis, book proposal, and manuscript, you need to do your research.

If you see something along the lines of “does not accept unsolicited submissions,” that means you must go through a literary agent.

So, now you have to find a literary agent. Once again, do your research. Literary agents specialize; there’s little chance you’ll find an agent who handles every topic and genre, both fiction and nonfiction. To suss out which agents are the best match for your work requires starting your search with The Literary Marketplace, The Writer’s Market, and other online services like QueryTracker. Each agency, just like each publisher, will have its own submission requirements the author must follow. Again, you’ll need to have an effective query letter, perhaps an intriguing synopsis, a properly formatted and well-written manuscript, and maybe a book proposal.

Failure to jump through the hoops invites rejection.

Then there are insights you probably won’t find in an industry reference guide. Authors learn these insights from networking other (successful) authors. Ways to ensure an acquistion editor doesn’t take your work seriously include:

• Poorly written content. If misspelled words, incorrect grammar, and other such flaws riddle your query letter, synopsis, or manuscript, it won’t matter how wonderful your story is: the agent or publisher will want nothing to do with it.
• Failure to follow instructions and the submission of incorrectly formatted documents. Publishing is a legacy industry that holds tightly to tradition.
• Claims of future best-selling status. An unknown or little known author has no credibility to substantiate any such claim. If you declare your book will be the next NYT bestseller, you’ll be seen as undeservedly arrogant.
• Demands for excessive royalties or high advance amounts. Again, an unknown or little known author has no clout in the industry, no credibility. If you’re viewed as demanding and entitled, a publisher or agent won’t work with you. Understand industry standards for royalties and compensation.
• Previously published work. Instances in which a publisher will accept previously published work are few and far between. This includes keeping your drafts off platforms like Wattpad. If you self-publish your book, no publisher will touch it unless it’s selling like those proverbial hotcakes—and if that’s happening, you don’t need a publisher.

Understand that rejection does not necessarily reflect upon the quality of your work or inability to follow directions. Major publishers accept only 1% – 2% of the manuscripts they receive. Your odds are low to begin with. Factors not related to the quality of your work and which may result in rejection of your manuscript include:

• The story is not written to a up-trending market. (For instance, if hockey romances are hot right now, then they’ll be passé by the time your book would be released 18 to 24 months later.)
• The author did not make a persuasive case for acceptance.
• The author did not write to market. (This means the story does not cater to the expectations of the target audience.)
• The manuscript greatly exceeds or falls severely short of genre length expectations.
• The publisher does not believe the book will turn a profit. (Publishing is a business, and a business must make a profit to remain in business.)
• The acquisition editor or literary agent is having a bad day. (Sometimes personal challenges intrude upon professional decisions.)
• The author’s unprofessional attitude or conduct.

What publishers and literary agents do want is simple, but simple does not mean easy:

• Well-written, polished (meaning well-edited) content that needs minimal work to make it fit for public consumption.
• Properly formatted documents.
• Content that appeals to a growing market and/or addresses a burgeoning need.
• Authors who follow directions.

Before expecting strangers on the internet to spoon-feed you their hard-won wisdom, educate yourself. You don’t know what you don’t know, so begin your self-education with venerable, standard resources. Lurk in authors and publishings forums to learn from the ongoing discussions there. Those will teach you the basics and help you learn what questions to ask to further your education.

Publishing is one of the few industries in which someone with no prior training or experience has the audacity to expect immediate success and profit. Like any industry, quality and professionalism are distinguishing characteristics for success. Do your research. Educate yourself. The better informed you are, the smarter decisions you’ll make.

Good luck with your book!